Normally I only do one philosophy article each month, but early this morning I awoke to thoughts about Valentine’s Day and the beliefs and perspectives we have about the whole love game. It was too early to get up so I decided to access higher wisdom and ask some questions about this arena of life. For me accessing higher wisdom is similar to how I muscle test patients to gain information about what is going on in their body, except here I am asking questions inwardly of an inner image of higher self and getting yes and no answers. I found years ago that this method kept me more neutral and out of the loop, which is the key to getting unbiased information.
The information I got was very revealing and interesting. In particular I liked how it was not what I thought it would be and not at all in alignment with what I wanted to believe. This was fresh perspective for me, and I relish fresh views on things as they open doors for me in my life.
As much as we sugar coat Valentine’s Day, the reality is that it is a celebration of the awakening of sexual desire as springtime approaches. My previous belief was that the purpose of sex was to express connection to another individual. My input from my inner was quite different.
What I got was that the hope of love and the game of sex are actually about the willingness to participate intimately with another person. Connection is not even part of the process at this point. We go about our life seeking purpose and moving into individual creative assertions of that purpose. At some point we want to engage others in participating with us in our individual process. This is great, but at this point we are narcissistically wrapped up in our story. We meet someone that seems willing to participate with us and the game is on.
Initially we project supportive unexpressed parts of ourselves on that other person and see this lovely vision of the perfect mate for us. They are likely doing the same thing with and on us. This is actually a good thing, because if we actually saw the truth of how different others are from us we would never end up connecting at all. The projected illusions of the “in love” stage enable us to slowly enter an intimate situation with difference without freaking out. Sex is the pleasure drive that keeps us engaged as we play with this different person. It keeps us coming back even after we start to get a bit uncomfortable with the reality that we start to feel just how different they are.
If we are lucky, the person we have chosen to play with compliments us and we can hammer out successful mutually beneficial exchanges with this different person. As we let in these benefits from this other person that is not the same as us, this becomes the actual connection we are seeking. Connection happens when we let in non-self in a supportive manner. Connection is the embracing of difference – letting it in and letting it support and enhance you.
The sex stage revolves around feeling wanted. The error most of us make in perceiving this feeling is that it is our true self that is or is not wanted. It turns out that our true self is invisible to others. All they see is the pleasant mask we put on in order to engage and convince them to play with us. Often we don’t even know who our true self is. The real purpose of getting intimate with another person may be to see ourselves reflected in them and through them so we can see ourselves more clearly. We are invisible to ourselves even more than we are to others.
So, we are wanted for our participation, not because someone has magically seen into our soul and wants to embrace our truth and essence. Truth is they are too busy trying to see if you want them and see their truth as the real truth, thereby making them the center of your world. No, Valentine’s Day is about the dance of participation between very different people pretending they are not different from each other. This is play on the stage of life, and life is trying to get all these individual parts to work together somehow.
With time and effort the rough edges of difference get worn smooth by the intimate connection afforded by sex putting these differences in such close participating proximity to each other. If a sustainable mutually beneficial relationship develops, you get real connection and a maturing love. When the clear understanding is that you each bring your individual gifts to the table and each is able to support the other with those gifts you begin to develop trust. This is real trust. You trust that the other person will act in your best interests because sustaining the relationship with you is in their best interests. You trust them because you support each other and your interest over laps their interest. You can trust that any person will always act in his or her own best interests. This is the basis of a solid sustainable relationship.
If you are out their wishing you were wanted but feeling no one really wants you, then release the lies and get it that no one ever really wants anyone when they first get together. What they want is your willingness to participate so they can get to know you and discover if the two of you can form a mutually beneficial relationship. No one knows that up front. You are invisible to them and to yourself. If no one offers to play with you, it is because you are not offering to play. Your presentation does not say to the world that you are available and ready to engage in the dance of differences. You have no control over who might find you attractive, but you can pitch your availability to those you are attracted to.
The big game is to get us creative individuals to form cooperative mutually supportive beneficial relationships with each other. This is not an easy process, but life has worked out the best answer it could.
Now it is up to us.
