I was having a discussion with Ellen a few days ago about the experience of ease I had while visiting my brother up in Portland. I was noting that an identifiable difference while up there compared to my normal life was the absence of demand for me to have a position or make any decisions. I found this completely refreshing. Normally I am always on point, evaluating what is going on around me and responding in a manner that promotes some goal or objective. It is so normal for me that it took letting go of this completely to feel what a difference it makes for me.
In that experience the usual flow of wants, needs, agendas, and what not swirled around me like usual, but I was a guest that had no access or control over any resources. As such I decided that it was not my job to try to address the flow, but instead to just let it be as though I was a fly on the wall watching, but not adding my two cents to the story. It was very freeing and relaxation resulted. I settled into the guest position and let go of my usual overly responsible stance. I had done a similar thing when I visited my son a few weeks earlier. I let him lead and I simply followed and supported his choices. Normally I would be in the thick of things tossing my opinions around and trying to see that things were done my way. Letting go of my opinions and getting my way promoted relaxation for me. Interesting.
This fits my perception of ease. I see ease as a primary feeling need we all have. It is that feeling that comes from feeling safe both in the moment and the immediate future as well as feeling our needs will be met in that same time frame. Feeling like we belong supports this feeling. It says we can relax because our survival needs are met right now. We are okay and no call to action is in place to make things all right. We can embrace this moment just as it is. That is what I was feeling. I could embrace those moments just as they were. I could respond and support, but I did not need to push to change anything. It was all perfect just as it was as far as my involvement was concerned.
Ellen brought up the question of whether this experience made me happy. As I contemplated that I saw a trap in this perceptual paradigm. In discussing it further I could see how many people fall into this trap. Thinking that ease and happiness are related may cause people to invalidate one or the other because of the absence of the opposing feeling. Ease and happiness are almost unrelated, and certainly do not need to go together. You can be completely at ease and not feel happiness and you can be wildly happy and feel no ease at all. Yet I have seen people invalidate their happiness or their ease because the opposing feeling was not there. They will say “I must not be happy because I still feel disease.” Or they might say “I must not be relaxed and at ease because I am not happy.” But the truth is these feeling states express very different states of consciousness. It is very nice when both are there at the same time, but they don’t have to be.
As stated before, ease is an assessment of the status of our outside world relative to us. We are safe and our needs are being met so we can relax. We are alone or we have friends or family we feel good with, so all is good with the world. We are at ease. Happiness on the other hand is an inside out process. Happiness is an expression of how we feel inside ourselves that flows out to the world. Ease turns down the light of expression while happiness turns it way up. Neurologically they are opposite states, with ease being a parasympathetic dominate state and happiness being a sympathetic dominate state. In most people these two states aremutually exclusive. But some highly trained individuals, like long term meditators or Navy Seals, can have both systems running at the same time. Years ago we used to measure this ratio in the office with a special heart rate monitor called the Nerve Express. In the act of sex, the parasympathetic ease state says things are fine right now so we can get aroused. But the climax happiness comes from switching over to a sympathetic expression state.
The trap I see in some folks shows up as a belief that there is something wrong with the individual if say they are relaxed but not happy. If they believe that the two feelings are linked and should go together, then they will conclude their is something wrong with themselves when they only experience one state or the other. In reality both states are separate and require learning specific inner self skills to engage these feelings. For example, in my initial story, I employed the skill of letting go of responsibility and embracing what is in order to feel ease. To feel happiness, I would have to be excited about sharing some part of me and creating a positive exchange with others. Alternatively I could get excited about expressing myself through some creative effort on my part. Our expression flow is designed to either connect us or express our creativity. Yes, creative problem solving is a creative act.
So what might that look like in real life? You could be a crabby old person that likes to just sit on their rocking chair on the porch and be left alone. In that state youmight have profound ease. Monks hiding in monasteries meditating all day fall into this same category. Conversely you might be a social butterfly, constantly running from one event to another. You might be stressed to the max trying to meet your busy schedule but still be excited and happy.
The basic message of today’s article is not to judge yourself for where you are feeling wise. If you want a particular feeling, you have to learn the skilled actions that produce that feeling. Feelings don’t just happen because they should. Feelings happen because of who and how we are in relation to life. Life just is. Each person will feel differently with that reality because of who they are and how they participate with what is. No feeling is written in stone. You are never trapped feeling a particular way. You are only trapped by the lie that you believe the world should show up the way you want instead of the way it is. As long as you wait around for the world to change, are you stuck with whateverunpleasant feelings you might have? No, it is always you that has to change – no exceptions. Feelings are part of your inner world, and only you can change them. Feelings are only points of view. If you don’t like the view, then change where you are standing (which is a metaphoric way of saying change your relationship to what you are viewing.)
In the same breath, it is also important to validate that it is okay to disliking something. Social change happens when people like to tackle unpleasant realities. They may not like what is, but they love the creative opportunity to try to solve the problems they see. These people are the natural warriors that love a good fight with a good cause. This is a beautiful thing for those that choose this path. They do not look for ease. Ease is not their idea of a good time, and that is fine. We are all different. Love the difference. Embrace your path and live it fully. There is nothing wrong with you. We all have a boatload of feeling skills to learn. That is part of being human.