One of the central drivers in our life is to feel good about ourselves. What this means and what brings us to feel this way varies tremendously between people. We all start in the similar position of being completely dependent on our care takers while we are infants. Feeling good at that age is all about getting basic survival needs met – warmth, food, touch, and so on. We have no sense of time at that age, so everything for us is all about the now moment. But in the real world, we can not always have everything that supports our survival right when we want it. This reality is the stimulus that offers us the opportunity to develop our sense of empowerment in the world, but it can just as easily propel us down a path of seeking power and control.
When we are little our complete dependence on others could produce feelings of fear every time there is even a tiny delay in having our needs satisfied, because we do not yet have the ability to anticipate the future. If we are fortunate enough to have loving attentive parents that are also happy and at ease in themselves, we can flow into the security of the special relationship we have with them and be at ease knowing that we are the center of their world right now. This forms what psychologists call a basic trust of life. If our parents are anxious, stressed, and distracted, we are more likely to form a basic distrust of life. We don’t trust that our needs will be met in a timely manner. We are left having to develop this trust at a later time in our lives, if ever.
Distrust forces us to have to develop other creative ways to get our needs met. We might go into demand by crying and fussing to force our parents to respond if only to get us to be quiet. Another choice might be to get sick to create an urgency based relationship – a kind of mini blackmail – “take care of me or I will die on you.” A third choice might be what is called reflective mimicry, where the child copies whatever feelings the caretaker has and form a form a co-dependency bond with that parent. This takes more skill that the first two choices, and I do not know just how early this type of pattern can start – kids are pretty sensitive to feelings around them, so probably earlier than we might expect.
As we grow older, the intensity of attention we need and receive diminishes. We still want the attention, so we develop newer methods to attract attention. Learning to please the parents in various ways garners positive attention. But if that fails, then behaving in ways that angers them is almost as good because negative attention is better than no attention.
It is this attention seeking behavior that starts the process of building self esteem and worth. Worth is a social construct. Nothing has intrinsic worth. All worth is only a reflection of whether people want that something. There is a huge socially approved lie we are telling our kids these days that says “they are special and worthy simply because they exist.” While this might be true on some esoteric plane of existence, it has no credibility on the streets of our daily life. You have no value to others unless you serve their needs or wants in some way. They don’t even acknowledge your existence unless you have something they want. Telling kids they are special and have intrinsic worth builds false expectations and entitlements that will make them miserable as they encounter true life failing to match the stories they have been fed.
It is far better to tell kids the truth – your value to life is something you develop through your ability to serve life. As you engage life, the constant feedback it gives you through how much your efforts are appreciated guides you to develop ever greater skills at serving life. Self
esteem is the self acknowledgment of the skills you have developed. As life values you more, you see yourself as having greater worth. As your sense of worth goes up, your approval of yourself also goes up. It is this self approval that as it becomes a part of your identity is registered as self esteem.
I don’t see or hear this simple truth being taught to our children: your worth is simply a reflection of your ability to serve life. The greater your service, the greater your worth. Self worth and self esteem are byproducts of successful service to life. Success requires the creative expression of your uniqueness, not simply copycat-people-pleasing behaviors. You have to add more to life to be truly successful. Exceptional service skills are what generates life supporting you well. People support that which supports them. It is all very self-serving ultimately, but that is what works. You are not going to pay, feed, shelter, or care for those who only want to take your life needs from you without some sort of fair exchange that you want. However you will actively support those that enrich your life and support your life in ways that are important to you.
The dark alternative to this truth is the fear factor. Those seeking power and control know quite well that people are willing to give up their life needs to hold fear away. If you threaten people enough, you can extract the goods you need to support your life. The problem is that this process does not build value or worth. Without service to life you can never build real self worth or self esteem. You always feel isolated and unloved and unwanted. Your only consolation is the fear you inspire in others. But this always leaves you empty and cold inside – a very miserable life.
To be of exceptional service means you have to bring out the artistry that is the joy from your soul. That sounds very flowery, but it speaks to a very real skill set built out of lots of trial and error. It takes great effort to craft your offerings to life, and the ability to constantly shift and adapt your offerings to what is needed in each moment. Valued service is not simply trying to please people, it is about offering them what meets their needs in a constantly changing environment. They will know when their needs are being met and when they are not. Market demand determines what services are valued in each moment.
As I am describing service, it is a lot bigger field than most people usually think of initially. It is not about being a good nurse or butler or gardener, though these are certainly valuable. Service is the joyful desire to create/promote/maintain in order to support others in some way. You want to serve the needs and wants of others and receive support from them in fair exchange. It is about engaging life from a stance of mutuality. We are all in this together. Our individual value is all about the quality of the service we provide.