A favorite line I have heard from some people, addicts in particular, is that life is hard. They seem to believe that they have a corner on the market for hard times. The universal sentiment that follows the “it’s hard” statement is that no one understands how hard it is for them – like no one else has ever had things be hard. With the addicts this line is usually the rationale for why they have to use their particular addiction – because life is so much harder for them than everyone else.
Big reveal here – life is hard for everyone all the time. The only difference between one person and the next is how they handle the difficulties. The primary challenge I am writing about generally has little to nothing to do with life circumstances and everything to do with relationships or lack thereof.
Each of us is inherently a prisoner inside our own head – at least so our experience seems to tell us. The challenge is that we are required to participate harmoniously with others. What a train wreck. No one sees life the way we do because they are trapped inside their heads just like us and will always see life from their perspective, not ours. We are the center of our universe; that is just how our brains are wired. No matter how much we might try to “walk in another’s shoes,” we really can’t. Their “shoes” (perspective) are built out of their entire life’s experiences and their reactions to life. We can’t possibly have any idea how they would really feel about anything. The best we can do is guess, not know.
Why does that matter? It matters because it is equally impossible for anyone to know how we feel, how we see things, or what feels right to us. This is just the way it is. So since they are clueless about our perspective and we are clueless about theirs, how are we supposed to create and relate in harmony? Quite literally our survival depends upon us being able to do this – both individually and as a species. More than anything else, the skill of relating in harmony is the key to happiness in life. And more than anything the “hardness” of life is in how we feel when we fail to relate in harmony.
When we are young we are automatically narcissistic. Our brain wiring is not complex enough to even entertain the idea that other people have feelings of their own. Other people are seen as sort of sock puppets. As children we believe we are somehow responsible for how they act and their displays of emotion. All life is all about us. We are the center and everything exists only in relation to us. This is where we start with being trapped inside our own head. As we mature, typically around age 7, we connect the dots and get it that all these people around us are not extensions of us – not sock puppets – and now we have to figure out how to get our needs met in a big world full of the unknown. This is terrifying. Ages 7 to 10 or 11 are known as the quiet years for most kids, as they are busy trying to figure out the big unknown world of relationships. Then hormones start running and this intensifies as we really get into this relationship thing much closer up – like one on one.
Initially about 80% of us tend to approach this problem from the outside in. We see our selves as passive recipients of the unknown currents that seem to run everyone around us. We are busy trying to figure out how to control or manipulate people around us to get our needs and wants met – usually through adopting a role like the needy dependent, or the caretaker, or the star, or the know-it-all, or many others. For most people this is as far as they go, and the rest of their life is about trying to gain the power to make other people do what they want. This is a very hard path. No one wants to be controlled or manipulated – resentment and struggle results.
Most of the rest of the people go into resistance to all this and say the heck with trying to figure out the unknowns of people. Instead they decide to figure out how to meet their own needs all by themselves. These are the socially awkward people that really just don’t relate. They may end up on the fringes of society, or they may do brilliantly in tech and science fields. But life is full of people and participating with them is unavoidable, so their lives are also a constant challenge – another hard path.
A few people get it that life is constantly in flux and people individually are a mystery. They get it that they are not smart enough to outwit everyone all the time, so they look to something deeper and bigger than themselves for guidance in conducting their affairs in life. Usually this path is engaged when other paths have failed miserably and the person has nowhere else to go. Some will describe this as “turning their life over to God as they know it” and others will see this as getting out of their heads and opening up their hearts. It is the same thing either way. God as we know it “lives” in our heart, meaning that is where we hear and /or connect with God. Life becomes a daily discipline to surrendering our head view of life and stepping into seeing things from our heart – or God’s view. The essence is we let go of our narcissistic view of life with us as the center. We embrace the deep truth that nothing is about us. At the same time we also embrace that everything we “see” is intimately about us as it is a reflection of our inner world of thoughts, feelings, expectations, and beliefs. We see us in how we see the world.
Life is still hard. It is like being in a small sailboat out on the ocean. You have to constantly be manning the tiller and resetting your sails moment to moment to adapt to what is happening. This is hard. But when you do this from your heart, this challenge is also very rewarding. Your ability to navigate the ocean (life) can actually become enjoyable. Without having to fight for power, or having to win, or be right, or get your way, life becomes easier. As you build respect based relationships that seek win-win outcomes, you become very successful in getting your needs met. Life is still hard, still a constant challenge, but a fun challenge. The aspect of hard that comes from the pain of failing to make harmonious connections becomes minimal. It is never completely gone, because you cannot make all people respond well to you. But you do much better than any of the other paths.
What skills are necessary to get into your heart? You have to be present and responsive to each moment. Nothing is ever on automatic. You have to get out of your head and listen to your heart (or God). You have to embrace both the negative and positive feedback life is constantly giving you so that you can constantly adapt your course and actions. Just like the sailor, you can’t be asleep at the wheel. You have to abandon your head box that insists that you are the center, and things – anything at all – should be your way. You can do your best to make things be the way you like by your own actions. But you get it that it is not ever anyone else’s job to put you first or do things your way. That is your job, not theirs. You have to respect life. That means seeing that all parts of life are sacred – they all have their purpose and path – they are just as important to the big picture as you even though you have no idea how that could be.
That is a lot of effort just to make life less hard. Is that effort worth it? Life adds additional motivation to push us out of our head and into our heart – pain – physical pain. The harder the path, the more stress attacks our body and creates inflammation, pain, and early degeneration. Which path we choose directly controls our health. Our greatest health benefit comes when we live from our heart.