We are all trapped between these two fears. Being alone and separate feels terrible. Our most basic instinct as an infant is that being left alone equals death because we are completely dependent. We reach out for connection with our cries when we are in need. We form the belief that we are not ok unless someone is paying attention to us all the time. We equate attention with love. We believe that our okness is under the control and power of those who attend to us… largely because at that age it is. Our needs are entirely met by our caretakers. It teaches us to seek to solve our internal discomforts with external comforts from others.
We are born with the fear of separation, but in short order we develop the fear of connection. Out of need we cry out for connection, but much of the time what we get is not what we want. We might have dirty diapers, but mom may think that we need to be fed. If we refuse to eat, then mom gets mad at us and puts us in our crib all alone. We still have dirty diapers. As a million variations of this story play out, we learn to fear connection because no one is able to truly understand what exactly we need and want. Who we are and what we want just does not match the agendas of those we try to connect with. All of life is this way all the time.
What do we do? We either learn to hide or suppress what we really want and who we are in order to maintain connection, or we go into resistance, get angry, and refuse to have anything to do with people. We always seem to be forced to choose between holding on to the integrity of our own feelings, needs, and wants, and going along with the feelings, needs, and wants of others. This conflict makes us crazy. This craziness all comes from the original false belief we formed that says: “I am not ok unless you love me (pay attention to me) and put my needs first.” Both sides of the conflict/puzzle – the resistance and/or the self-suppression – are responses to this same belief.
What is the answer? Lets start with the basics. Fear comes from the awareness that things are not the way you want. Things like your past, your possible future, your plans, whatever. Letting go of that attention and drawing your awareness to your center simplifies your wants to something achievable, like breathing and your fears go away. In fact the fear is replaced with excitement because once you are simplified and centered in the present moment, your attention gets turned to “what do I want next?” Soak in that excited feeling for a bit and own it before you actually focus on a specific object of desire. Staying excited depends on focusing on something achievable. If you expect and believe you can have “it” then you stay excited. If not then you will probably go into your favorite place of fear, anger, or depression.
So what about the fear of connection and separation? You turn the belief around. You acknowledge that you need connection, but you take the responsibility to reach out to make connection and find a way to have your needs/wants and their needs/wants meet in the middle somewhere. You have to reach out and “love” them first (send attention their way and attend to their needs) while also expressing who you are and what your needs are. This is the skill of expressing appropriate boundaries. That means you have to know who you are and what you want before you seek connection to someone else. This self-awareness guides your connection and communication with them. They may not want to deal with your needs or wants, in which case it is your job to move on. Participation with others must be win-win or ugliness will result within your heart because you will either go into resistance or self-suppression.
Do not be afraid of the loss of connection when you have good boundaries. If you are, then you will only end up losing yourself. Always: “To thine own self be true.” Do not be afraid of connection to others that do not put you first or are not like you. Your job is to figure out how to make it work if they are willing to participate with you. Remember that they are in the exact same boat as you. If they are not willing, then move on. You can never make them change who they are today. You can only invite them to shift closer to a working arrangement. Any attempt to force them will only suppress them and all you can get is hollow reactions – no real participation.
You don’t have to be alone or separate and you don’t have to suppress who you are. You have to know who you are before you connect, then make the choice to connect knowing that the other person is different from you and will have different wants and needs always. Create a win.