The sentiments of the holiday season prompt me to wax philosophic about the nature of life here on planet earth. Looking at what is said on Christmas cards and in holiday messages, it seems as though we have figured out a huge truth. The true purpose of life is to love. As corny as it may sound, I believe it is true. And yet throughout the rest of the year, the message is very different. What do people value in the real world? I see a lot of emphasis put on wealth, social status, looks, power, influence, and how many ‘likes’ you get on your social media.
All the things people seem to value share one thing in common, the fact that very few people have any of those things. Maybe people are saying they value whatever they don’t have. That seems very defeatist to me. Why attach value to the very things you are lacking? That makes you forever unhappy. You see yourself as not enough in the world. That is harsh.
What if we valued love? What if love was more important than wealth or status or looks or any of the rest of it? With love, there is no competition. Everyone has access to the ability to love equally. That means everyone could be valuable. Obviously, this is only potential as some people will still put such things as wealth or power ahead of love. But the drive to chase after shallow goals loses a lot of its attractiveness if everyone universally believes something else like love is more important.
Imagine a world in which each child is told that all they have to do or be to have value is love others. All it takes to be lovable is to love. Self-esteem issues would vanish. The fear of rejection and loneliness could melt away if you had the power to be socially valued already inside you. All you have to do is express a little kindness and respect. This is not really that hard. But currently, this culture ridicules or ignores people that try to be loving unless they have something else going for them. If you are a Hollywood star, all you have to do is get up onstage for a few minutes at a benefit concert to be hailed as a veritable saint. Yet ordinary folks that may have spent weeks or months volunteering their time setting up and putting on this benefit are completely looked over. This seems unbalanced to me, but I lack the perspective necessary to see anybody as special. Everyone is equal in my world, with the differences I see as being a function of how skilled they are in allowing their love to flow.
I am not a completely starry-eyed idealist. My definition of love sees love as an action, not a feeling. Love is the desire and willingness to participate positively and respectfully with others. Without participation, there is no love being expressed. In my pretty dream that makes positive participation very important. How would your life feel differently if everyone’s desire and intention were to participate positively with you and you with them? You can see how the holidays smack a bit of this sentiment.
This idea is not new or revolutionary. This is what every religion and spiritual teacher has been saying for the last 3000 years or more. Yet somehow we keep losing the message. The Golden Rule is a beautiful example of this principle in action. Way back in 1993 as part of a declaration of a global ethic, 143 leaders of the world’s major religions all endorsed this simple ethic. Doing unto others as we would have them do unto us is a concrete expression of positive respectful participation — in other words, love. This is a great ethic, but love is even more than that. Ellen and I were discussing that this morning and we agreed that love involves a feeling of ease and connection. Trying to define what creates this has been a challenge.
As I step back and look at love, I see the first and most fundamental expression of love is the love a parent has for their new baby. The love is expressed in the holding and cuddling, the funny noises and baby talk, and the softness and rhythmic tones of the voice. All of this flows from the state of ease in the parent as they strive to transfer this ease to the baby. Being a newborn is a stressful event and it produces a lot of anxiety. One of the first jobs of the caretaker of a tiny baby is to provide soothing of their anxiety. They do not have any self-soothing skills yet. Not every parent is in a good enough space to do this. A parent may do all the right things, but if they are in fear or anxiety they will not be able to calm the child. If you have had kids of your own you probably have experienced that if you are fried from the day, there is no way you can calm the baby down. They feel your tension and react by crying.
This observation speaks to the skill set of loving. Being loving is way more than just saying the right things or having a smile on your face. There is a feeling skill of ease and trustworthiness that has to be communicated. There is a relaxed vulnerability and possibly even a bit of playfulness inside love. Being loving is an inside job. It does not require anything from the outside, but quite a lot from the inside. It is like learning to ride a bicycle. It is not easy learning to ride a bicycle, but once mastered it becomes second nature.
For some reason, our culture has placed all its value on competition-based skills. We are addicted to the concept of being the most – having the most money, being the most beautiful, having the most power or status, and so on. Why? Why have we set up a system of social values where almost everyone is a loser and only a handful are winners? Yes, this makes sense in a dog-eat-dog survival environment. Only the best survive. But eons ago humans discovered that cooperation provided many more benefits and increased survival for all compared to kill-or-be-killed lifestyles. Society exists because of cooperation, not competition. Why are we still holding onto a value set that lost its advantage 50,000 years ago?
So my pretty holiday dream is of a world where everyone wakes up to the reality of here and now and drops the old competition-based values. Imagine a culture based on the exchange of that which has real value, love. A social order based on mutuality and respect instead of “my way is right and everything else is wrong.” When the ability to love well is the most important thing, everyone will want to be good at it. I am not talking about some hippy commune lifestyle, but a social order based on virtue and goodwill. The reality of economics is still present. We still have to develop other skills that enable us to contribute to society. Society still needs bakers, farmers, technicians, designers, builders, and so on. Love means being of life service, not sitting like a bump on a log waiting to be taken care of. Love is action. It is not just some passive feeling.
So why indulge in such unlikely dreaming, and why share it? Dreams shape the future. Without dreams, things stay the same. Dreams serve to inspire tiny shifts in perspective. I use my dreams to shape my life. I look at my actions and feelings today and compare them to my ideal dream to see what I can do today and tomorrow to shift my life a tiny bit closer to my dream. If my reactions to life don’t fit my vision, then I sit myself down and rummage around in my history to find what stuck perspectives or beliefs I am holding onto that are producing these reactions. When I find them, I upgrade them to a version that aligns better with my vision for myself.
Everybody can dream. We all have the raw materials inside to build more love in our lives. Love flows from the top down and the inside out. It is not dependent upon outside circumstances. It does not require any special training or any particular life experiences. All it takes is a desire to make your life better and permitting yourself to be the one that makes it better.
Happy Holidays,
David