Independence, freedom, liberty — these are the battle cries that founded this country two and a half centuries ago. Such words stir the passions and fill the imagination with images of a perfect world in which we are able to be whatever we wish to be. These words generate idealism to the point that we are willing to step right into Patrick Henry’s shoes when he declared, “Give me liberty or give me death!” There is a profound importance to us on a very deep level to be able to be true to our nature. While I feel the power of this emotion and agree with the idea, I also know from experience that life is richer, fuller, and more complex than that. Let’s look a little deeper at independence.
I started by looking up the actual definition of independence. This seemed pretty simple: freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like from others. I can immediately relate to the first part, control. I don’t want to be controlled by others. I mean, maybe if I were trapped in a burning building and a fireman came in and told me to turn around and head for the back of the building because there was a safe exit that way, I might appreciate the fireman taking control of the situation and guiding me to safety. But other than that, I am pretty sure that I always know what is the best thing to do.
Okay, what about the second word, influence? Do I truly want no influence? That would mean that I refuse to listen to anyone who might know more than me on any given subject because their ideas, knowledge, and opinions might influence me. I would certainly never go to school or even apprentice myself to a master craftsman because the entire teacher/ student environment is all about influencing me towards greater skills in life. If I am to be truly independent then I clearly can’t have any of that! That goes for having friends that share their experiences or hopes because that syrupy stuff definitely influences us. How about a mate? Well, I suppose a woman (or man) who kept their mouth shut and did whatever I told them to do would work out okay. Yeah, influence is tricky.
Let’s move on to items three and four, support or aid. I suppose if I were Davy Crockett, who shot his first bear at the age of three, I wouldn’t need any support or aid when I was a little baby. But I wasn’t. I needed support and aid while I was growing up. Okay, usually it’s not until we reach our teens that we really start wanting our independence. Somehow I don’t see a lot of kids these days chucking their home support and striking out on their own at the age of 13 or 14 like they did back in the middle ages. I don’t see many old folks turning down Social Security payments either. Come to think of it, how would I even survive if I did not have the support of my patients? Support includes the willingness to participate. When you support a cause, you are willing to participate in some way, even if that only means sending in a donation.
So, it looks like I am definitely not independent. It is true I don’t want to be controlled, but the rest of the definition does not quite match where I want to go. When I look up freedom and liberty, the same types of issues pop up. Basically, to enjoy the benefits of living in any society, complete independence, freedom, and liberty are not options. What happened? It all sounded so good when it was being shouted by all those folks at the rallies. We believed!
To understand where it all went wrong we have to go back a few years, actually a few hundred thousand years. We have to go back so far that we were not only hunter-gatherers, but we had not even formed family groups. That is where independence actually exists. The lone hunter fits the description of independence. The instant you create a relationship with another being you are no longer independent. Independence means separation from external participation that could impact your decision-making process. To truly be independent, you have to be alone. The same is true for freedom and liberty. The instant your decisions can impact another being and that impact matters to you, you are no longer independent. We understand this on a visceral level because we can feel when someone is acting independently as they disregard our feelings and concerns. They act disconnected from us. Well, it is true. Disconnection is a necessary state to achieve independence.
All of a sudden many folks are backpedaling and thinking I am being too extreme. That is how I understand things. I have to first see the opposite extremes of something before I can begin to understand the middle. Okay, so I get it that no one really wants to be truly independent. The thought of living in the wild wearing only the skins of animals you have personally killed and never having any human connection probably does not appeal to most of you. So what kind of independence are you looking for?
Let’s think about the Pilgrims that came to America aboard the Mayflower way back in 1620. Ostensibly, they were seeking independence from England in order to enjoy the freedom to worship in their own way. (There are a couple of those words — independence and freedom.) They were tired of being persecuted back home in merry old England for their weird religious cult, so they wanted to strike out on their own and start a new civilization where they were the bosses and could persecute anyone who was not being their way. I am actually a direct descendant of the first white child born in America on the Mayflower — Peregrine White. So, they were seeking a very specific kind of freedom — the freedom to practice their religion in their own way. What they were practicing was in fact very restrictive. Within their own group, there was very little freedom, liberty, or independence. They were Puritans, and there was only one right way to do anything. This is where I suspect most people actually lie in relation to those fighting words. They neither want nor believe in independence. What they want is to be able to do things their way, and if possible force everyone else to also do things their way. This sounds suspiciously like modern politics.
Now I am not qualified to argue the merits or lack of merits of one way versus another. Life is too complex for me to see the eventual outcome of one choice or path compared to another. When you step that up to right and wrong or good and bad, you end up way over my head. There are simply too many factors to consider and way too many things I simply don’t know. I don’t even know what it is I don’t know. So that leaves me with assessing things by how they feel to me right now. Does it feel good? Do I like it? Those are very personal and time-contingent realities. I accept that, but it is all I have. I have idealized visions of how “things” could be, just like everybody else. But I also know that such visions are only fantasy and not real. Anything real requires mutual participation by all the people involved. For them to participate means that my vision has to be influenced by their dreams, ideal visions, and desires. I can not be independent and hope to have any chance of seeing my vision come to fruition.
Do I want independence, freedom, and liberty? I want just enough of those to be able to pursue the unfoldment of myself in life. I want enough to be able to create a life I enjoy. I want enough to be able to form human connections in a manner that I like. But I have to meet life halfway with all of this. Do I want to be alone? No. Do I want to be able to do whatever I want without regard for my impact on others? No. I see the extremes and the consequences of crying out for my “right” for those extremes. Actually, that very statement is hilarious. Rights are granted by the larger social matrix precisely to get us to give up our extremes. Rights exist to give us permission to participate in a negotiated middle ground where everyone has the same rights as us and no one gets to have only their way. There are no God-given rights. If they were God-given then no man could take them away. Rights are purely human inventions.
Where does that leave us? That leaves us with the opportunity to share a degree of independence, freedom, and liberty with our neighbors as long as we respect their independence, freedoms, and liberties. No one is supposed to be “our way,” nor do we have to be “their way.” We all have to be in a way that respects differences, including our own.
Take care,
David