I have been contemplating social gatherings and discussions I have been a part of over the last couple years. One particular point appeared obvious to me – people like feedback. People like to tell their stories, both the triumphs and the tribulations, and then like to get feedback from those listening to them. With the triumphs they are looking for recognition of their accomplishments, but with the tribulations they are most frequently seeking comfort and understanding. They want to know that they are not alone with their problems and sometimes they can get this type of feedback. However the more common response people give is to try to “fix” the problems. This is not without merit and the troubled person often supports this type of feedback, but it often has negative consequences.
Once I step back and reflect a bit I begin to see how this basic “cry for help followed by corrective feedback” is the essential teaching/ learning paradigm that has been practiced forever. Wisdom has always been transmitted through stories and parables. This is one of the basic methods parents use to teach their children. This is where I missed the boat, as everything I learned about life was basically self-taught from a very early age. I learned through visual and written mediums, not oral transmission.
Feeling into the whole oral transmission process I find I specifically ignore this type of information because it is filled with judgments of me and demands that I be different. Rather than adopt a combative stance to protect my right to self or let myself be squashed, I simply ignored what the world said and went about my merry way. I used to joke that I was ‘raised by wolves’ to explain my asocial behavior. Unfortunately in ignoring the judgments and demands, I also failed to learn how to converse normally with others. I failed to learn how to participate with the normal power games that are the essence of most social interaction. I also lost valuable feedback about myself and the ability to reflect on my inner feeling conflicts.
Personal history aside, I am now reflecting on the value of story based feedback. I believe that part of the natural order is the expression of disorder and conflict through words and voice tones. The natural response of those around us to try to diminish that feeling of disorder because it feels bad to them. Disorder (chaos) equals instability and unpredictability, which in turn equals potential personal threat. Chaos equals fear to most people, and fear spreads like wildfire. This is why people you don’t even know can suddenly feel very concerned about your problems and pain. Complete strangers can suddenly become highly invested in changing you out of your feelings of distress so they can feel better themselves. This high investment seems to be the driver for the judgments and demands. However every action generates and equal and opposite reactions. Consequently the demand for change by others actually results in you locking down more deeply into where you are. Helpful feedback supports the freedom to move, and that requires the elimination of judgment and demand.
That being said, in my life I may have been “throwing the baby out with the bath water.” In eliminating the judgments, I also was eliminating the sharing of alternative perspectives that might actually be helpful to me in resolving my conflicts and distress. I suspect that in spite of the demands and judgments of the moment, sometimes a distressed individual may be able to reflect on these alternatives at a later time and derive some benefit. Or possibly in the moment, the person most in harmony with the troubled individual may connect and bond momentarily and transmit a feeling change that helps the person in need. In any event, the potential value of the shared alternate viewpoints and feeling differences is vital. We can’t grow when we are surrounded by sameness. Sameness only reinforces where we are, including our conflicts and distresses. Sameness validates our conflicts and that exteriorizes them so we believe that things outside us cause our feelings. We stop owning our feelings and feel that we are victims of conditions and events beyond our ability to alter.
Growth needs difference. We have to be exposed to different viewpoints and perspectives in order to expand our pallet of responses to life. In ancient times it was well understood that the more widely traveled and read a person was, the wiser and more mature they would be. Today diversity literally assaults us constantly. We are in a prime time for spiritual growth because of this, if we are able to open to this difference and harvest from that difference the tiny pieces we need in each moment for our optimum growth.
We can build an understanding of this natural process and enhance it by removing the fear component that drives us into judgment and demand for sameness. We can “get it” that each person is perfect where they are even in their conflicts and distress. We don’t need to change them. They are not so unstable that they are a threat to us. We can relax and simply share from a state of ease our experiences that might give them a different take on things. We completely eliminate language such as “you should” and “what you need to do is…” If we feel any judgments or demands welling up in us, we can take responsibility for recognizing that all judgments are really self judgments and all demands are personal calls for action in our own lives, not the lives of others. These judgments and demands are feeling reflections of subconscious drives within us and usually look very different up on a manifest form level.
So lets share our differences from a state of ease and supportive community, without any feeling of a need to create change. It is never our job to change another person – that is solely their job to engage in their own time. No one changes from a state of judgment. Judgments suppress the expression of pieces of ourselves, but they do not change us for the better. No one changes until they are ready, willing, and able, and they are personally motivated by a heart desire of their own.