The illusion of our life is so fragile. Life itself is tough and durable, but our picture of what our life is all about is all smoke and mirrors. As each day goes by we get so wrapped up in the minutia of daily living that we actually believe that what we are having for dinner or where we are going this weekend matters. We lose perspective and instead focus on just what is up for us next to like or dislike. Life becomes a perpetual pursuit of trying to get our way in the world. Maybe because the alternative is too unbearable – feeling how insignificant we all are in this big universe.
What has me wandering down these uncomfortable lines of thought? I believe it began a short while back when my friend and the doctor I traded with, Brent Fisher, died suddenly without any warning. A couple weeks later a patient I had known forever died. Then on the 16th my sweetheart Ellen awoke me in the middle of the night because she was having a stroke. Now she is paralyzed on the left side. Four days later, Hyla, who worked in my office doing ultrasound therapy, unexpectedly died. She had been sick, but there was no hint that her time was up.
None of these people expected their life to suddenly end or take a radical turn. For each, the day before their sudden transition, they were filled with the minutia of daily life. What’s for dinner; check my email; what bills can I put off till next week; anything good on TV? Life as we know it is full of this stuff. And yet at any moment it could all be ripped away without any warning at all.
Maybe that is the key. Because the unknown is in fact unknown, we can’t prepare for it. Because we can’t prepare for it, we ignore it. Sometimes we do a warm fuzzy feeling thing to cover up the ignorance through the use of religion. We choose to believe that someone somewhere knows what is going on and has things well in hand, all to our benefit. But so many lives suddenly ending or being turned upside down, without warning, stretches the conviction that our view of things is on target. Do we have a clue as to what the target even is?
Many people have been concerned about how stressed I must be with Ellen’s stroke. Curiously I have been doing well. In feeling into why that is the case, I find that stress seems to be all about the resistance to what is. Since I am not resisting what is happening, I am not stressing. I am not feeling bad that things are not the way I want them to be. Instead I am staying open and curious as to what new experiences and learning this change of direction will bring. Yes, my lifestyle and routines have been totally disrupted. But the same would have been true if I had decided to vacation in Italy instead of the experience I am currently having. It is not what happens, but how we relate to what happens that creates our real experience.
Our habits and routines in life are temporary. Life changes, that is the nature of life. Nothing stays the same no matter how hard we try to hold on to the past. For myself, I can see that this is true. But on a feeling level I experience a sameness because it is always just me that I am feeling. I still feel like the same me that I was back in college. I know I am different, but some essential part of me is still me, always and forever. I can’t say what part that is because it is a part of me that does not use or relate to words. But there is a part of me that watches my life story unfold without participating in the story…like a video camera just recording my life without comment, just awareness.
Enough of the Twilight Zone stuff, what is the point? The point is that it is at these times of chaos, when the veil of the illusion of the importance of our minutia stuff gets partially lifted, that we are thrust into assessing “what is really important?” For Ellen, the minutia of having to return a dozen emails and does she have an up to the minute schedule of her day tomorrow is suddenly tossed out the window and replaced with “Will I ever be able to get up out of bed again?” and “How am I supposed to get to the bathroom?” The importance of social propriety is replaced with “Am I going to spend my days alone now?”
Everything we think is soooo important, suddenly isn’t. Truth is, it never was important. Our ego lives to support the status quo of our life, but in times of chaos, it is the needs of the heart that come to the top of the list. Our personal connection to others and to spirit is all that matters. Well, that and the challenges of personal hygiene. I know it sounds silly, but many people would rather die than lose bowel control in front of others. It is not pretty, so lets move on.
So what is the take-away from all of this? If you are fortunate you find a renewed purpose for being alive. Chasing fame, fortune, and immortality are temporary ego pursuits that fail to feed the real part of you that seeks meaning in life. Stuff is temporary. Stuff always changes. Circumstances and situations are seen as plastic and mobile when we step out of the belief that they have any true reality. Their impact on us is about who we are, not about the situation. We are the creators of the stories we tell ourselves about the lives we lead. Are we going to be stressed about what is happening or are we going to stay curious and open to adapting and changing to create a new story with whatever situation we find ourselves in?
Sometimes life really deals us some hard knocks. It happens. It is these times that make life real for us. We don’t have to like it, but it is all about us and what we do with what we have in front of us right now.